


move me, touch me

by princegrantaire



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, DCU, DCU (Comics)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Background Batman/Joker, Crossdressing, Disguise, M/M, Office Sex, Walking In On Someone, kind of?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-16
Updated: 2018-03-16
Packaged: 2019-03-31 19:28:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13981767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princegrantaire/pseuds/princegrantaire
Summary: This, Lex decides, is exactly the sort of thing that happens to him these days.(Joker visits Lex at the office. Things could be better.)





	move me, touch me

**Author's Note:**

> HAPPY OF HAPPIEST BIRTHDAYS TO THE FANTASTIC [DRACOMALEFICIUM!!!!](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DracoMaleficium) i can never thank you enough for being one of the best friends i've ever had, my inexplicable brain twin & the #1 innovator of Concepts in the whole wide world (experts agree!), please take this fic as an attempt to show my ETERNAL LOVE for you and hopefully it even manages to be entertaining! here's to an unbelievably amazing birthday & an even better year/life/everything *clinks glasses*
> 
> this is not-so-vaguely inspired by joker in justice league action's [watchtower tours](http://joker-ka.tumblr.com/post/169478442024/justice-league-action-watchtower-tours) episode (which i encourage everyone in the world to _please_ watch)

Lex trips over a pair of pumps as he enters his office. They're purple and must have appeared at some point in the past half hour. He studies them with some degree of curiosity as he closes the door behind him, all slow, measured movements.

There's only one person Lex knows that's fond enough of purple to wear something that hideous. Mercy's certainly not responsible for this.

It's then Lex notices the blonde woman sitting at his desk, feet propped up and looking undeniably at home. She's quiet, watching Lex with curious eyes. This belated realisation only feeds the streak of annoyance that's been steadily growing since he'd left his last meeting.

"And you are...?" Lex asks, flat enough to pass for a question only in the loosest of terms.

The woman smiles and it's such a sharp glimpse of _cruelty_ that Lex's frown can only deepen. He's seen that smile before.

"Aw, you don't remember me?" Her voice is all saccharine-sweet, unnaturally so. Not that there's much Lex considers natural about an all purple outfit.

"No." Simple and hardly a lie. An odd sense of familiarity doesn't come attached with instant recognition. Whatever Lex finds suspicious about the woman, he can't quite place it yet. "I'd suggest leaving before I call security."

The woman stands up, model-thin and too tall even without the heels. The suspected similarities just keep building up.

"And here I thought you were supposed to be a genius," comes the next remark in a voice Lex knows all _too_ well.

He watches with mild horror as what must be a latex mask is promptly ripped off and Joker's pasty face is staring back at him, complete with a split lip and pitch-perfect lipstick. The blonde wig unceremoniously falls to the floor. Lex can feel a throbbing headache coming on.

_Of course_. This, Lex decides, is exactly the sort of thing that happens to him these days.

"I told you to never visit me at work."

Lex, far from impressed, goes to dust off his chair and sits down. He spares an idle glance for the _J_ scratched onto the desk and wonders where exactly Joker managed to stuff a switchblade in an outfit that consists of a pencil skirt and blouse.

"And _I_ didn't!" Joker insists, throwing his still makeup-covered arms into the air. "Jackie did," he adds as he kicks the carelessly discarded mask towards Lex, who just quirks an eyebrow.

Instead of questioning the intricacies of how exactly _Jackie_ made it into his locked office without an appointment, Lex just sighs. "What do you want?" he tries.

At that Joker brightens up considerably. It's an instantaneous effect and he nearly vibrates with excitement as he clambers onto the desk, settling right in front of Lex and spreading his legs wide. "Oh, Lexie," he purrs, intentionally breathy. "You know what I want."

Lex strokes Joker's knobby knees, lets himself feel the nylon of the purple stockings and takes note of the small rip where a hint of bleached skin peaks through. In one abrupt movement, he closes Joker's legs.

"Any particular reason you took it upon yourself to ruin my desk?" he asks instead, clinical.

Joker just shrugs, gnawing at his lip. "I got bored?" he guesses. It takes him a moment to meet Lex's eyes but when he does, the green is dull and cold, at odds with the mostly inoffensive smile he's wearing.

Lex knows immediately that he’s supposed to be on his guard. The bizarre impression he’s forgotten something occurs to him.

“You know, bored of getting _stood up_.” Joker’s tone takes a violent turn for the worse.

It dawns on Lex slowly -- an entirely useless reminder shoved somewhere with all the other memories of his encounters with the clown. He usually tries to forget those. It’s all just stress relief. Just stress relief until Joker gets ill-advised ideas that he digs his nails into and never lets go of.

Lex knows now that the last time they had been lying in bed together and everything had been blissfully quiet for a few hazy moments, Joker had asked for a _date_. He distinctly recalls scoffing.

“I was busy,” Lex says. It’s more of a reflex. “I’m _still_ busy, in fact.”

He’s got two more meetings to get through today, one which involves Wayne Enterprises. He’s sick enough of Bruce Wayne as it is.

“Yeah?” There’s a glint of challenge in the sharp edges of Joker’s cutthroat smile. Lex thinks about the hidden switchblade. “Does the opening of the new Metropolis Science Museum ring any bells?”

It does, if vaguely. Apparently the location had been meant as an incentive, a trip to the museum in exchange for compliance. Joker had graciously agreed to inflict science on himself for Lex’s benefit. He doesn’t quite have it in him to appreciate the gesture. Lex Luthor doesn’t date, he _especially_ doesn’t date insane clowns.

“And you actually went?” Lex can’t resist asking, full of a detached kind of amusement.

Joker scratches at his arm, leaving trails of missing makeup in his wake. “Maybe I did, Lexie, ol’ pal, maybe I didn’t. You know how I hate waiting, not that I’ve had much of a choice in the matter lately. First Bats, now _you_.”

It’s always about Batman, in the end. Lex has never minded it, though he likes to think he doesn’t understand it. If it’s some pathetic little crush that drives Joker to see him as a stand-in for Batman, he doesn’t care to know. The fact that Lex hasn’t yet found anyone else to provide the kind of entertainment Joker does is pure coincidence.

A quick glance at his watch reveals they’re rapidly running out of time. He’s got to go through with this and send the clown back to Gotham before he gets any other ideas.

“Fine,” Lex agrees. They’ve got precisely seven minutes until he has to make himself presentable and get going.

Joker hurries to unbutton the first two or three buttons of his blouse, revealing a thin scarred chest, as if that’s supposed to do anything for Lex. Few things do. It’s the sensation he’s interested in.

“Bats didn’t show up again,” Joker starts, sounding like he’s getting ready to lunch into an old war story. Lex groans internally. “No, siree, he sent one of the _kiddies_. Can you believe that? Like I’m some two-bit nobody? _He_ doesn’t even show up! Why, I--”

Lex tugs Joker down into his lap, rough like he knows Joker likes it. It gets him a temporary respite from the endless rambling -- clearly not meant to last, Joker resumes approximately five seconds later as he carefully maneuvers Lex’s hand high on his thigh.

“So, I thought, might as well get myself a holiday in Metropolis. A break from all those gargoyles, right?” Joker continues, undeterred.

“Right.”

There are few things Lex wouldn’t do for some peace and quiet. This is just the best method he’s found to achieve that with Joker around. It’s a mistake that’s worth repeating. He catches Joker’s lips in a kiss, presses him closer and allows himself to feel the first stirrings of real interest.

Joker’s eager as always when he throws himself into the kiss with everything he’s got. His movements against Lex are anything but subtle and he sighs softly as Lex’s hand finally delves under the skirt.

It’s really only a matter of convenience. Joker’s eyes are closed and that’s far from the right name on his lips as he fumbles with Lex’s belt and pants. Lex is perfectly content.

At least until Joker pulls back and Lex’s fingers have to part with his green hair, slightly matted from the wig. He looks at his watch again and gives Joker the benefit of a questioning look. Lex relaxes when it becomes apparent Joker’s just chosen this moment to shimmy out of his skirt.

“You could get up,” Lex suggests once Joker’s wiggling loses its novelty.

“No, no, I can do it.” Joker looks determined enough for it. “Wanna hear about Jackie’s _homme fatale_ misadventures?”

Lex doesn’t, just as much as he didn’t want to hear Joker’s theories regarding Batman’s haircut last time or needless details about a new batarang model the time before that.

There’s a chance Joker is actively trying to make him late. Lex wouldn’t put it past him.

The dark shape of what Lex assumes to be frilly underwear is revealed underneath the stockings as Joker finally gets the skirt off. It’s somewhat titillating, if only because they’re severely out of time and Joker decides to straddle him again right then.

Lex sits like a man who knows his own power, aware of the position he’s rightfully gained, surrounded by all he’s worked for but he’s got nothing on Joker’s easy confidence, the penchant for showmanship that goes right down to the bone. He watches as Joker arranges himself in his lap as if he’s going through the steps in his head.

The next kiss comes suddenly -- Joker still tastes like lipstick and that very specific kind of bubblegum Lex can’t stand. It stops mattering as soon as Joker opens his mouth for him.

Lex can’t tell how much time they spend like that, it’s the knock on the door that makes them freeze. Joker turns and eyes it with suspicion, hand wedged firmly inside Lex’s pants.

He’s got half a mind to push the clown off him. Out of the two of them, it’s not Joker who’s likely to lose LexCorp if he’s caught with a maniac in his lap.

Lex has no time to move as another knock comes and the door swings open to reveal Bruce Wayne. The remnants of Joker’s disguise are still strewn all over the floor, as eye-catching as their owner.

“Mr. Luthor, I’m--” Lex’s secretary rushes in after their unwelcome guest and falls silent as she takes in the scene.

Their lower halves are thankfully obscured by the desk and there’s very little chance Wayne can spot the minute movements of Joker’s hand but that doesn’t make it any less infuriating. Lex despises the acute knowledge that this is all just _luck_. He’s _lucky_ Joker’s still got the make-up and blouse on, _lucky_ that Joker’s decided to shove his face against his neck and play along for once in his life.

Lex grabs Joker’s wrist and squeezes hard. His eyes never leave Wayne’s. He doesn’t have it in him to be anything as ridiculous as _ashamed_ , with or without distinct lipstick marks on his mouth and cheeks.

They’re just fine as long as Bruce Wayne doesn’t recognise a fellow Gothamite.

The silence stretches on, dangerous and unbidden. Lex is pretty sure Joker is sucking a mark on his neck. It’s another eternity until Bruce Wayne finally coughs and puts them all out of their misery.

“I’ll...I’ll come back later,” Wayne says with one of those light little laughs that do nothing to hide what can only be embarrassment. He steps out and closes the door behind him.

Lex gives them both a moment to breathe before he knocks Joker to the floor.

“What was _that_ for?” Joker asks, like he doesn’t know perfectly well. He looks seconds away from bursting into giggles as he picks himself up.

“As you just saw I’m very late for a meeting with Mr. Wayne.”

Lex doesn’t particularly think Joker deserves even that bare minimum of explanation, let alone much else. He stands up and considers a brief detour to the nearest bathroom before he actually proceeds with the meeting.

Instead of today going the least bit according to plan, Lex finds himself slammed against a wall with Joker pressed up against him.

“Oh, come on, _baby_ , lighten up.” Joker’s either playing with his tie or attempting to strangle him. Lex can’t see the difference. “Brucie’s waited this long, he can wait a few more minutes.”

Lex sighs deeply and rests his hands on Joker’s waist. He suspects his relationship with Wayne Enterprises is about to become very strained.

**Author's Note:**

> \- title comes from bowie's "john, i'm only dancing"  
> \- this wasn't INITIALLY supposed to go beyond justice league action's rating so to make up for that i offer [the very canon joker reveal](http://ufonaut.tumblr.com/post/167377340003/how-is-this-the-most-in-character-joker-weve-ever)
> 
> hope you enjoyed this! find me on [tumblr](http://ufonaut.tumblr.com/)
> 
> PS: i now owe everyone an actual lexjokes date


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